SnowMobile Information| SnowMobiles

Read the following messages, then (1) analysis the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence and (2) revise each document. The guidelines showed in the book is; The revised letter provides the requested information more clearly, in a more organized fashion, with a friendlier style, and with precise mechanics.

Message for Analysis
Message A

As an organization, the North American Personal Motorsports
Marketing Association has committed ourselves to helping our members—a diverse
group comprising of dealers of motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, Snowmobiles,
and personal watercraft—achieve their business objectives. Consequently, our organization, which usually
goes under the initials NAPMMA, has the following aims, goals, and
objectives. Firstly, we endeavor to aid
or assist our members in reaching their business objectives. Second, NAPMMA communicates (“lobbying” in
slang terms) with local, state, and national governmental agencies and leaders
on issues of importance to our members. And lastly, we educate the motorsports public, that being current
motorsports vehicle owners, and prospective owners of said vehicles, on the
safe and enjoyable operation of they’re vehicles.

Here is my revised version:

The North American Personal Motorsports Association (NAPMMA) is an organization committed to helping our members achieve their business objectives. Our diverse group is comprised of dealers of motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, snowmobiles, and personal watercraft. Together, NAPMMA lobbies with local, state, and national government agencies and leaders over the issues important to our members. We also educate the motorsports public of current and prospective owners of motorsports vehicles on the safe and enjoyable operation of their vehicles.

Sentences:

1. As an organization, the North American Personal Motorsports
Marketing Association has committed ourselves to helping our members—a diverse
group comprising of dealers of motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, Snowmobiles,
and personal watercraft—achieve their business objectives.

Strengths: Strong verbs and adjectives that stand out to the reader – Diverse, committed, achieve.

Weaknesses: Run-on sentence. Too many details crammed into one sentence, making it very unfriendly to the reader. Separate and consolidate relevant thoughts into shorter, more concise sentences. Snowmobile should not be capitalized.

2. Consequently, our organization, which usually
goes under the initials NAPMMA, has the following aims, goals, and
objectives.

Strengths: There is a transition word at the beginning of the sentence to shift focus to what the organization does.

Weaknesses: NAPMMA can be placed in parentheses next to the full name of the organization to indicate that those initials are an AKA.
It is already indicated that the paragraph will describe who the organization is, and what their goals are, so it is not necessary to use “the following aims, goals, and objectives.”
“Consequently”… The goals are not a direct consequence of the details already given in the paragraph, so it would only confuse the reader.

3. Firstly, we endeavor to aid
or assist our members in reaching their business objectives.

Strengths: None. Unnecessary and redundant sentence, remove it.

Weaknesses: This information was given in the first sentence, it is only redundant to repeat it later on in the paragraph.

4. Second, NAPMMA communicates (“lobbying” in
slang terms) with local, state, and national governmental agencies and leaders
on issues of importance to our members.

Strengths: Using NAPMMA, since it has been introduced to the reader already.

Weaknesses: Lobbying is not a slang term, but is rather friendly to the common reader. Replace “communicates” with “Lobbies”, and do not mention that it is slang.
There is no reason to number these objectives. Remove, “second” and state the objective on its own. It will be a much stronger statement.

5. And lastly, we educate the motorsports public, that being current
motorsports vehicle owners, and prospective owners of said vehicles, on the
safe and enjoyable operation of they’re vehicles.

Strengths: safe and enjoyable operation of their vehicles… Concise statement, friendly to the reader.

Weaknesses: Needs to be condensed, a bit of a run-on. Remove “Lastly”. It’s a weak word, and the same applies as with the last sentence.
They’re is the wrong spelling.

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